Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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