My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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