Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
How naked do you want me to be?
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