Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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