I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
