she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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