hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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