I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
