I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
