my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
