I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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