I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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