Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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