I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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