ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize