You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
