I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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