last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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