what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
