Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
