3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
