Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
