How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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