You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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