Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
