I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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