drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
