all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
