I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
