I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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