If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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