Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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