In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
