Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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