I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
