I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
