If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
