So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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