Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
