Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
