I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
