I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
