we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
