update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
