i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
