I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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