my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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