1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
