Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
