If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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