trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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