when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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