wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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