Don't you send me to vm
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
