I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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