I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
