you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it hurts more in the daytime
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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