i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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