So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
