I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
