So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
