i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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