You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize